Er, uh.. wow. I can tell you are pretty frustrated!
I guess I have just been fortunate to never have had to deal with "Hugh" - all the other DreamHost support folks I have dealt with have been great.
This makes me think that part of the communication problem(s) you describe having with DreamHost tech support just might have something to do with the difficulty you have with your basic understanding of English usage. I most certianly can't speak for Michael, but I'm suspecting that he didn't see the question as being at all relevant to your situation.
I was trying to be "nice", and helpful, when I responded to your first post (even though you asked a pretty ignorant question that, on the face of it, has little or nothing to do with your situation). Since you have obviously been here well over 97 days, your question wasn't really relevant to your situation. Any "97 Day Money-Back Guarantee" , irrespective of any limitations or conditions, couldn't possibly be expected to apply to someone who has hosted here as long as you have by anyone who can read and understand English. I just assumed you wanted to know whether you could get a refund for your unused time, so I responded "nicely" and suggested you ask the question of those that could answer you.
Well, okay then, here you go ... . I think that is pretty clear, but just in case you are confused:
1) Credit card and Google Checkout payments only. (I think this means that if you did not pay via a credit card or Google Checkout, the guarantee doesn't apply to you)
2) Refunds not guaranteed for accounts found to be in violation of DreamHost's Terms of Service or Anti-Spam policies. (I suspect this means you might not get your money back if you break the rules.)
note: Though not related to your question about who the Guarantee applies to, there are restrictions on what payments are able to be "refunded" under the guarantee:
"Excludes domain registration fees, bandwidth overage charges, and dedicated server payments."
All that said, then, I guess the answer to your question is obviously, "No, it doesn't apply to everyone, as is clearly stated in the guarantee itself" Doh!
Why in the world would you think the "97 Day Money-Back Guarantee" would have anything at all to do with any refund request you might have, after hosting here for almost 2 years; do you think somehow that the phrase, "If you decide - within the first 97 days of your time with us - that DreamHost isn't for you, we will gladly close your account and refund any payments you've made to us within those first 97 days," in some way would allow for you to be eligible a couple of years after signing up?
As for you being able to get some type of pro-rated refund, I suggested a way for you to investigate that. DreamHost has publicly stated in the past "You are welcome to a refund if you would prefer to move to another host, as it seems that you have some that you like. We have no intention of holding you here against your will."
Given that statement, I would think, even if your definition of "impossible", as it relates to contacting support, is quite different than any dictionary definition I've ever seen (there's that pesky "English" thing again!), you might reasonably expect some consideration if you contact support.
I understand that may not be as personally satisfying as venting on the forums, but would probably be more effective for getting some kind of refund.
BTW: My offer still stands in case you want to have me contact tech support for you; maybe I could serve as a "translator" (assuming, of course, that I don't get connected to the infamous "Hugh" - in which case, I may have no better luck that you did!)