Thanks for the replies.
I do use PHP -- it's what I do for a living, actually. There's just existing code in our company that's more or less MS-specific that was done in ASP, and reinventing the wheel is not my cup of tea. I didn't know that (or anything, really) about ASP -- I've never had access to a Windows server in all my years of coding to learn anything about it, and PHP or Perl have always done everything I wanted them to.
There's not any (free) way at all to run VBScript-based ASP on Apache, is there? (Edited to add: I don't mean on DH, but on a Unix-based, on-site server.)